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I suck.

I stay between 132-139...I just wanna be fucking thin but I can't cuz I suck.  GOD.  And my roomie said: you'll never be as small as you want because you don't have the frame for it....isn't that just bullshit?  You can get smaller.  Right?  I mean I don't wanna give up but I know if I just not eat I know I can be really fucking skinny.  FUCK YOU GUYS.  My boyfriend pokes my hips and goes you'll never lose these....fuck him fuck everyone.

I need to stop eating.  I won't eat until Friday.  I can DO THIS.

I need a friend like this who has these food issues cuz then we can relte and talk.  My two old friends who used to have the same issues I did apparently did it all for show because they fucking eat all the time and get fat and I watched them wolf down food yesterday and I wanted to kill themmmm FUCK THISSS ahhh I need someone who I can relate to. 

kdfjhsfksjhdfk.  like wow.

(mentions food...I'm a fat fuck)

Oh my fucking God...I'm so fucking fat.  I had at least a cup of white rice and some steamed veggies with some weird sauce on it...and half a spring roll.  I wanna fucking die.  So fucking fat so gross aughghgh...I tried to make myself throw up but my boyfriend was hanging around and I couldn't...fuckkkk.

I do so well the whole day and then I do this...hopefully it wasn't more than 600 calories...if it was I'm gonna freak out.  :(
GOD you fat FUCK stop eating.  FAT FAT FAT GROSS PIG.  

INSPIRED. (mentions of food)

My boyfriend wants me to model in his fashion project/show on Monday the 15th...OMFG SO EXCITED because it's going to be the best inspiration ever.  I wanna be skinny and hot when wear the clothes so I'm sexy and not flabby fat.  I wanna look good and I'm pumped!

No Mac n Cheese tonight...no mashed potatoes....I stuck with some wok veggies with really spicy sauce and a rice cake.  I'm going to try not to cave though I really want to have a grilled cheese...but I will FIGHT. 

I wanna be skinnier than Katherine.
I wanna be skinnier than Ashlee
I wanna be skinner than Ashlyn

I lose the curves and be one straight line.  I want to look beautiful in every things and have lovely little bones.  I think KNOW I can make it happen.


WARNING: Mentions food...so...beware.

I know you want to eat, Alex.  I know you are hungry and there are brownies and pies and mashed potatoes and omfg mac and cheese just sitting and waiting for you.  And you want to gulp it down because it makes you feel better but you can't, can't, CAN'T.  138 already!  AFTER a full day...including right after a dinner of cooked veggies. (And you ate a lot too.) THAT'S SO GOOD.  That's FUCKING PROGRESS.  Don't quit on me now.  I know you want a snack but how's this for a compromise?  Get some homework done.  Read another chapter of Watchmen, strip the bed sheets, and you can be rewarded with a diet hot chocolate topped with a sprinkle of cinamon.  DELICIOUS.  Just stay strong Alex.  I know you're hungry...I know you're craving...but you can be strong.  



Alex you need to be strong.  You need to fight the urge to eat.  You don't need to eat, you're just dealing with stress and mood swings and you just want to feel better. 

You are better than this.  You are better than food.  Chug the water and the lax tea...things WILL get better. 

You will not lose this weight overnight.  BUT.  What would it feel like to be 135...a weight you haven't been since the 7th grade?
What would it feel like to weigh 130?  A number you cannot remember reaching...EVER.
120?  Dare you think it? 




I tried to stop. I tried to get better. 140 pounds and it's so fucking gross.

I'm going to lose it. I will get skinny. I'm back for good.

Of Fasting and Friends

I am starting a 100 hour fast. It's only been 15 hours. I've never attempted a fast this long...it's going to be tough so I'm going to need a lot of support. Would LOVE a chatting buddy. Please...someone help me out, here?

Also, one of my co-workers revealed that she has bulimia. We both got drunk and she said she knew I wasn't eating anything. At first I denied it but she kept talking. "It really shows. And I'm bulimic so I would know. I admire your self-control."

I eventually admitted that she was right, and then her kinda-sorta-boyfriend came back into the room so we had to stop talking about it. But I was shocked...and wished I had knew this sooner. I could have had someone to relate to about my problems and issues...she's gone back to Michigan now. I miss her already...le sigh.

Hope you're all doing well. And please, someone, be my online buddy, yea?


Whole New High

I can feel pound by pound being shed away.  Each day I feel a little lighter, a little smaller, a little more empty.  My head is a giant balloon, expanding evermore with each passing day.  I have vanquished the once almighty Calorie, banished the remaining cravings, and have succeeded in conquering my desire to scarf, to gnaw, to nibble, and to consume. 

Whenever I stand I can feel my floating head glide farther and farther away from my body; a body that only serves to hold me down, weighing me, keeping me captive.

It's a whole new high.  It's amazing and wonderful.  I feel control, power, beauty all at once.  A rich mix all circulating through my bloodstream, pushing me onward; to the next goal, the next achievement, the next lost pound.  My hands are tingling, my mind is sharp, my legs carry me away from the kitchen and onto the treadmill. 

No longer am I slave to the refridgerator.  The siren's song that emanates from the pantry no longer draws me in.  I have beat you all, I've won, I've won, don't you see?  You do not own me anymore.  I am my own master.  And God, I've never felt better. 

Self-control is attainable.  And it might be the most wonderful thing in the world. 

I want to embrace myself with perfect, tiny arms; wrapping myself up tighter and tighter into a little, perfect ball. 

I feel amazing. 
I hope you do, too. 


Wanna Make Friends!

I really want to talk to some people online...anyone want to chat? 

(I'm looking to make friends who don't judge my eating habits but who can talk about things besides JUST eating/not eating. If that makes sense.)

  I have Adium and Yahoo accounts...Adium works with AIM and iChat...just fyi.   I'll give my screen name to the people who wanna talk. 

That's all for today.  I feel okay...not great, not terrible.   And that's just fine with me.